Just completely underwater at work. I’ve been exercising but struggling with food.
I’m headed to Fitness Ridge next week – I’m so excited! I think that will really give me a kick start. It’s going to be amazing, but I am stressed about finishing work before I leave for a little Vegas stopover. Have a feeling I will have my laptop at the pool.
I updated my stats .
I’m down to 214 on weigh in day!
Went to a great spin class today — sweat was pouring off of me. I loved it!
I updated my stats .
I decided to go buy some new clothes today. All of my jeans are too big and I need to buy some bathing suits for my upcoming vacation.
As I went into Macy’s I started to feel extremely anxious. My plan was to shop in the regular section, but I was panicked thinking that they would not fit and, more so, that the thought of anyone thinking that I was deluded to think that I could. Was I just fooling myself? Were people looking at me thinking that I would never fit into the clothes I was holding? I kept going, because I knew that I fit very comfortably into XL and 14 sizes at 205 pounds.
I grabbed some flowy extra large tops from INC. They fit! And not because they were blousy — they actually fit! I got a little teary in the dressing room. Then I walked around the shop like a crazy person saying “I did it!” under my breath. I’m not kidding.
I also purchased some bathing suits — bathing suit shopping is never fun, but I feel like it sucks for everyone so I didn’t let it get me down too much. I bought a tankini and then a separate tankini top plus some cute board shorts.
Next, I asked the ladies at the bathing suit counter what floor the jeans were on. One of them looked at me and said “What size are you?” I said 14 or 16. Then they discussed among themselves whether or not I should go to the plus size section, but concluded that the jeans would be too big for me after several pointed stares up and down. I thought the whole thing was weird — couldn’t they just say where the jeans were? If I wanted plus sizes, wouldn’t I have asked? I was a little uncomfortable; however, I feel much better able to hold up to scrutiny, in part because I have lost weight and in part because this process has made me more in tune with and honest about my body. I bought one pair of size 14 and one pair of size 16 jeans (different cuts) at the Gap.
I weighed in at 213.8 this morning (but 214 Part II sounded like a better post title).
I got a gnawing feeling that I might have broken my scale when I dropped it last week. So I ran some independent tests. First I picked up 2 ten pound weights and stepped back on the scale. Check, up 20 pounds. Then I put the weights on the scale and they weighted 20.4 pounds. Check again. Then I went to the gym and weighed in on two scales. This was after I had half a bottle of water a light breakfast and put in my workout clothes instead of pjs. The first scale (digital) read 214.6. The second (the doctor-type scale) read about 215.
So I decided that my scale works! And I’m taking my 40 pounds loss!
I weighed in at 214 this morning. I can’t figure out how that is possible, so I’m holding off on the excitement. But……..40 pounds?!?
I think I was holding onto water weight, but I feel like I need a second day at that weight for confirmation. I’ll check in again tomorrow!
Down 2.8 lbs to 217.6! Just 3.6 pounds away from 40 pounds gone!
I updated my stats .
In May I took the advice to write down the reasons you want to lose weight. I have taken less to heart the instruction to look at those reasons when you struggle. I went through my files and found my reasons:
At the bottom I wrote “what am I afraid of?”
I should also add one more — I don’t want to feel like an addict, constantly engaging in subterfuge to satisfy my addiction (You know what I mean — pretending to buy chocolates as a “party gift” when the only party guest is me.)
I felt adrift and afraid in May when I wrote these goals. I was convinced I would ultimately fail. I’m so proud of myself for gathering my mental reserves and kicking ass!
I got three wow!-like comments about my weight loss this week. First, I saw my aunt. She literally said Wow! Last time I saw her was in June when I was at 230. Next, one of my boss’s secretaries who I have not seen in a few months told me, “You look great — you must be working out a lot!” Then I saw one of the partners at my firm (who I sometimes see in the gym lockerroom). Just as we were ending a brief conversation, she said, “by the way — you look fantastic!”
Immediately after I felt great — just very happy about my progress. Then doubt and anxiety crept in — first, what would they think if I gained the weight back? Second, I am still fat, so how bad did I really look 4 months ago?
Now I’m back to feeling good!
In other news: weight is around 217 and I’m still eating popcorn and ice cream.
The two pounds has stayed on. I can’t be frustrated at the scale as I am not following my calorie plan. I am eating too much.
Back on track today. Lots of fish, vegetables, and fruit. 1250 calories for the day.
I am making a strict vow to not go above 1600 this week except on a long bike ride day.
I updated my stats .
The past few weeks, I have been maintaining my weight. I have really been struggling with my eating and have been eating 2000-3000 calories 5 out of 7 days in the week. The other two days I stay around 1500. I am still exercising, but less frequently than a month or two ago.
I know what I need to do to keep losing, but I don’t actually do it. I wish I knew the answer. Is it a psychological block? Have I lost interest in the newness of having a “plan”? Do I feel well enough after losing 35 pounds that I don’t feel as much need to continue to lose?
I have been thinking about this and I think that I am person that has perfectionist tendencies and difficulty focusing on more than one priority at the same time. In April work was not busy at all, and I had amazing focus on my weight loss. Indeed I let my work suffer to focus on me — and I could not be happier that I did that. But now that I am getting back into work, I feel unable to succeed in weight loss.
When I Look in the Mirror 