Archive for July, 2009

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The one day gain

July 29, 2009

My 2 pound gain appears to be a one day event.   I was at 218 Sunday, 220, Monday, 218 Tuesday, and at 217.6 today.   But who’s counting?

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Week 14 Weigh In: My first gain

July 27, 2009

I gained 2 pounds.  No surprise I guess given my weeklong semi-stumble off the wagon.   It’s hard, but I am working my way back.   

Keeping to 1300 calories today (assuming I don’t go crazy  in the three hours left in the day).

I updated my stats .

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Regrets, I’ve had a few

July 26, 2009

I was listening to an archived Jillian Michaels podcast that really struck a chord with me.  Jillian noted that she had to revise her previous edict that life should be lived without regrets because many people cannot do this — indeed, it is natural to feel regret or grieve over a perceived loss.   The key is to realize that the things that you feel the most regret about usually illustrate to you what you really want out out of life and to move forward with a conscious realization of getting what you want out of life.   She also made a very good point that feeling regret about something does not mean that what you want is lost forever, but rather feeling regret about something is actually telling you that it’s not too late.   I like that 

My regrets:

  • I am sad that I let myself go through my teens and twenties being significantly overweight.
  • I am sad that I have not had a long term relationship since college (!).
  • I am sad that I am not married with thoughts of children on the horizon.
  • I am sad that I can’t wear the clothes I want and feel comfortable in my body.
  • That I use food as a way to isolate myself sometimes.

It’s not too late for me.

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Week 13 Weigh in: Feeling Depression and Anxiety

July 20, 2009

I feel really bad about myself.   I wish I could snap out of it.  

I feel as though this is not the life I was meant to be living.   But I don’t know what I want to do or where I am supposed to go.  

If I do end up losing my job it may be the best and worst thing to happen to me.   

My eating and exercise has not been great.   I have been walking and biking, but have not been to the gym much.  And my calories are sometimes at 1,600, but more often around 2,000.   I have been using food to comfort and soothe me.   It’s a short-term fix for a long-term problem.   I need to find a new solution.

I did lose 1.4 pounds this week.   

I updated my stats and my goals .

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I can’t believe I lost myself in this

July 18, 2009

For the last five years I have worked at one company, putting in a ton of hours and generally doing fairly well.   Five years of late nights, stress, and take out food (and a fifty plus pound weight gain).   All my choices, but all the pursuit of giving my all.  While I was stressed and sometimes miserable I felt a sense of accomplishment that I had managed to survive and mostly thrive in a cutthroat environment.    But, post my quasi breakdown in April, the past few months I have felt like I have very little left to give.   Realizing what I had sacrificed I just clamped down and thought “no more.”   I decided that I really needed to move to another job — hopefully something in government.   

Two days ago one of the people for whom I work told me that he thought it was in my best interest to start looking for another job.   We had a long meeting wherein he described my failures on one of his projects almost a year ago.   He never mentioned any concerns until a few days ago, letting ten months go by.   He said he didn’t say anything to me at the time because he liked me and felt bad.  He should feel bad.   I canceled my vacation to run his project.   What was I thinking?   Never again.

He was generous enough however to tell other people (who subsequently informed me) that I could not handle his project and should not be promoted.   Lovely.   Now, eight months later, I am the unenviable position of playing a game that is mostly he said/she said about what I was or was not supposed to do.   While I have the support of other people for whom I work, I feel a tremendous sense of urgency as if I can’t stand to be there for one more second.   

My emotions over the past days have ranged from anger to depression.   Right now I just feel empty. 

I need to focus on getting out of there.

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Week 12 Weigh In

July 13, 2009

I lost 4.2 pounds this week!   Where did that even come from?  

I updated my stats and my goals .

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Oh Holy Pizza

July 9, 2009

Had pizza for lunch- a lot of pizza!   3 thin slices with peppers.   Very yummy, but I can still feel it sitting in my stomach like a tasty little brick.  

Anyway, this is surely not me getting back on track.   But I have not quite gone off track.   I’m just holding on.