A new phase

I decided to go into therapy.  I met with two therapists, both of whom I liked.  For the near-term I’ve decided to keep meeting with a therapist who focuses on cognitive behavior therapy techniques that may help with some of the issues I have related to overeating, anxiety and self-esteem.  I had the misguided notion that simply the act of deciding to seek psychological help for these issues would be the lightening bolt that would shift my behavior immediately.  Well, after three weeks, all is pretty much the same!   I know I need to give it a few months at least.

 

One thing that I have discovered is that I really eat food as an “escape.”  It’s very much a thing to do.  I generally don’t sit down and compulsively eat indiscriminately in response to stressors.  Instead, following a stressful day, I will relax by going out and getting very specific somewhat high-end foods and prepare an evening of eating by myself.  My therapist wants to work on managing anxiety — possibly raising my anxiety for the sole purpose of figuring out ways to handle that anxiety and be comfortable with just being with that anxiety.

Been in a good mood today — one of those dancing in the streets kinda days for no real reason.

The plan

I will be doing a low sugar/South Beath-type diet for about a week.  I don’t believe this is necessary in general to lose weight, but it has been historically useful for me — helps kick some bad sugar habits and is a nice weight loss jump start.  Then I will move towards a plan that is more whole foods/high protein, while counting calories.   Exercise will be as much running as I can handle — hopefully will do the Ryan Hall half marathon training plan for the Brooklyn half on May 19, plus yoga, cross fit, and spinning as supplements.  

Mentally-  going to look for a therapist and listen to Jillian Michaels podcasts!

Coming back to blogging and being accountable

I need to come back here for accountability.  Weight has been bouncing around by about 20 pounds, back and forth, back and forth over the last 2 years.  from the low 180s to the low 200s, which is where I am at currently.

My biggest issue is not the number though, it’s the cause — periods of uncontrolled semi-binge eating.  Just constant habitual grazing. I’ll never get off this roller coaster if I can’t address the root causes and habits of my overeating.

What I have done though is maintained 50 pounds of my weight loss for four years!  And I am so proud.  On to the next phase……

I’m back!

In the 180s that is!   Yeah!   More to come………

I’ve gone way way way off plan

Okay, eating has gone way off plan.   I’m eating an average of 2500 calories a day!   And it’s mostly cookies after dinner.   I think I was definitely using cigarettes to prevent or curb my habit of overeating.  But that’s just substituting one problem for another.  I need to get to root of my compulsive habits.  And as that will take time, I need healthier substitutes and coping mechanism.   And yes the overeating means …. no smoking!  It’s been almost 10 days now and I’m feeling quite thrilled to be a nonsmoker once again.

Running and exercise has been good, except I strained my lower back on my 12 mile training run on Sunday and have been out of commission for the past few days.  There’s no exercise I can think of that wouldn’t strain my back.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be better.

I’ve got a few weeks til the half marathon.   I’m going to get down to 185 by then (this morning weighted in at 191.8).

The plan til the half:

1500 calories a day, except my long run days (once a week) when I can net 1500 calories

Exercise: Run 4 days a week, Cross train at least one day, Walk to or from work as often as possible.

Fingers crossed and feet hitting the pavement…….

My Dirty Little Secret

My dirty little secret is that after not smoking since college,  I started smoking this past summer.   At first just a few cigarettes every couple of days, then up to about 7 or 8 a day.   I don’t want to be a lifelong smoker, so yesterday I quit.   Woke up in the morning, ran 11 miles, fought off the cravings.   Went to Easter.  I was so wiped from the run it was hard to focus too much on the cravings.   Then this morning nicotine withdrawal hit like a Mac truck.   All morning I was DYING for a cigarette.   The idea that the craving “only lasts 3 minutes” — LIES, ALL LIES!  Try, four hours.   But even thought it sucked, I didn’t mind it as I knew it was just my body ridding itself of nicotine and it would get better soon.

A little better in the afternoon, then hit me again hard in the evening.  Then I went for a 4 mile run, which, surprisingly,…..didn’t help much.    ARRRGGGHHH!

Eating is good today despite the cravings.   I may allow myself to go up to 1800 calories today just as I fight off the nicotine monster.

Oh, and weight for today: 190.  Down 0.6 from last week.   Weight loss has been slowing down, but I’ll worry about that later.  The next day or so I am focused on: not smoking, working out, drinking tons of water, eating fruits and veggies, and making sure my calories are down enough to keep losing some weight.   Still 11 pounds to half marathon goal.

The screw up

Yesterday I was just super depressed.  I’ve been feeling in a funk for the past few days.  I think it’s because my ankle has been acting up, which always freaks me out as I have had multiple surgeries on it, gotten the all clear to run for the doctor, but it hasn’t been “right” it seems since an injury almost 10 years ago.   So I always go into a mental tizzy asking if I reinjured it or damaged the bone that was repaired.   I’ve been debating not running, but running doesn’t seem to exacerbate it, plus I really need to train for my race.   I am however going to make an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon for a check up.

So what did I do in the most knowing and mostly planned manner?   Yesterday I woke up and ate a healthy breakfast- one egg, one egg white, one piece of multigrain toast, coffee with milk.  Then I did my Jillian Michaels cardio resistance work for 50 minutes.  Then a healthy lunch — turkey bacon blt, one piece of string cheese, apple.   And then for snacks and dinners throughout I had many: cookies, bacon wrapped dates, mini pigs in blankets, marshmellows, a plate of pasta (at least it was whole wheat), and ice cream bon bons.   I ate because I was depressed and wanted to make myself feel better by eating, even though logically I knew it wouldn’t matter and I would feel worse.   Total: about 2,900 calories.   And yes, I tracked it all on daily plate!   Every stupid marshmellow!

Hopefully I will burn it off on today’s long run.

I weighed in at 189.4 yesterday and decided not to weigh in today because I didn’t want to unnecessarily freak with a short term water gain.  I’ll weigh in tomorrow and use the heavier of tomorrow’s weight and Saturday’s weight as my “official” weight.

Bouncing towards the 180s

Weight this a.m.: 190.6 (down 1.2 from last week).

But the most exciting thing about weigh ins this week is that my weight dipped into the 180s this week (then I promptly gained my regular 2 pounds of monthly water weight, which always happens to me overnight mid-cycle).  I can’t even wrap my head around it, as I am very used to weighing in the 190s and haven’t been in the 180s for forever.   I am almost in denial about it — for example, I usually think about my weight in terms of planning in my head.   For example (to self): Ok, you’re 192.2 now, if you lose x you will be y by z date.   I’m so unused to the 180s that I started transposing the numbers.  Instead of planning for “189” I was planning for “198.”   Hopefully the 180s will become a new and temporary “normal” for me!

Heading into “old fat” territory

My weight is at 191.8, the lowest it’s been in 8 years.   In fact, my most recent lowest weight below that was when I was 187 at 17.    I’ve heard that it’s harder to burn “old fat” than it is to burn “new fat”.    I haven’t seen anything definitive on this, just a lot of speculation.   First up 3.8 pounds of sort of old fat .  Then onto the really old stuff 25 plus pounds of 14 year old fat — like my very own insolent teenager!   I guess I will be my own experiment.

Healthy You Challenge Check in

Weight: 191.8 (down 1.6 from last week)

Food: I’ve mostly stuck to 1500 calories during the week, but various celebrations and eating out came around this weekend and I ate 2,000 calories Friday and Saturday and close to 3,000 on Sunday (my long run day, so hopefully that mitigated any damage……Which brings me to ….

Exercise!:  Going great.   I have kept on my running schedule.   I ran a 10K on Sunday and had my best pace per mile time I have ever had in a race. I finished in 1:04 with a pace of 10:19/mile.  I did cardio resistance training from the program on Jillian Michaels’ website and it kicked my butt!   Three days later and my shoulders and butt are still a bit sore.   My ankle has been bothering me a bit the past week or so, especially while running, but I am trying not to freak out just yet.   If it gets worse or keeps on like this for a little while I will make an appointment with my ortho.