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I can’t believe I lost myself in this

July 18, 2009

For the last five years I have worked at one company, putting in a ton of hours and generally doing fairly well.   Five years of late nights, stress, and take out food (and a fifty plus pound weight gain).   All my choices, but all the pursuit of giving my all.  While I was stressed and sometimes miserable I felt a sense of accomplishment that I had managed to survive and mostly thrive in a cutthroat environment.    But, post my quasi breakdown in April, the past few months I have felt like I have very little left to give.   Realizing what I had sacrificed I just clamped down and thought “no more.”   I decided that I really needed to move to another job — hopefully something in government.   

Two days ago one of the people for whom I work told me that he thought it was in my best interest to start looking for another job.   We had a long meeting wherein he described my failures on one of his projects almost a year ago.   He never mentioned any concerns until a few days ago, letting ten months go by.   He said he didn’t say anything to me at the time because he liked me and felt bad.  He should feel bad.   I canceled my vacation to run his project.   What was I thinking?   Never again.

He was generous enough however to tell other people (who subsequently informed me) that I could not handle his project and should not be promoted.   Lovely.   Now, eight months later, I am the unenviable position of playing a game that is mostly he said/she said about what I was or was not supposed to do.   While I have the support of other people for whom I work, I feel a tremendous sense of urgency as if I can’t stand to be there for one more second.   

My emotions over the past days have ranged from anger to depression.   Right now I just feel empty. 

I need to focus on getting out of there.

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3 comments

  1. Sounds like a potentially toxic environment
    😦 I hope you find something where you can feel truly happy, fulfilled and appreciated!


  2. Ugh….Don’t do anything rash. Things are horrible out there right now and although it sounds totally stressful to be there don’t mess yourself up just to make a point.

    I know that you ARE better than you are being treated though and it sucks to be taken advantage of.


    • I’m going to focus on doing work that I am interested in for people that I can learn from and who can help me advance my career. I’m giving myself the weekend (no working on any active assignments!) to gather myself.



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